When I think of my family, I'm eerily reminded of the three main gods of the Japanese Shinto faith. Amaterasu is the eldest, the only sister, and the sun goddess. Tsukuyomi is the middle son, and the moon god. Susano-o is the youngest, and the god of storms. And Susano-o is insanely jealous of his elder sister, to the point that he attacks a shrine dedicated to her and kills one of her favorite priestesses. She is terrified and flees into a cave, and it takes the efforts of the rest of the gods to draw her back out again.
I don't know if it's a good thing that my family life resembles Japanese myths.
I have two brothers. They infuriate me, make me laugh, make me cry. They leave the toilet seat up, they blame me for the dirty dishes in the sink and the missing food in the pantry. They drive my car as a backup and forget to refill the gas tank. They are my family. And I'm pretty sure they don't like me, or are at least embarrassed by me.
And honestly, I'm tired of trying to connect with them. I keep fucking it up, and I'm just too stressed and worn out to really keep it up.
I realize I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I know that I'm fucked up in the head. But blood's thicker than water, right?
I'm a bit emotional right now, sorry.
My mom keeps telling me to pay it no heed and that they'll want to have a relationship with me someday in the future. She's been telling me this for at least six years now. I don't believe her anymore.
When I leave Chicago - and I will leave Chicago, because I hate it here - I'm not going to bother with keeping up with them. There's no point.
And I hate that I care. It hurts me to care, and yet I still do. I really wish I could stop. I have enough mental and emotional issues to deal with. I don't need this shit on top of it.
...really tired now.
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