NOPE. NOOOOOPE. NOOOOOOOOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOOOOOOPE.
THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS ON FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. FEMINISM IS DEAD. EVERYONE CAN GO HOME.
Oh, wait, I have to actually talk about it? Damn.
I should probably talk about the book series that is the reason we got Fifty Shades, but honestly? What do I need to say about Twilight? (Well, okay, a lot, but that's for a different rant.)
AND HONESTLY, WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO FREAKING SAY? IF TWILIGHT HADN'T EXISTED, FIFTY SHADES WOULD NEVER HAVE EXISTED. AND THE WORLD WOULD BE SO MUCH THE BETTER OFF.
GODDAMN, THESE BOOKS.
I haven't even read most of them, and I don't need to! I've read excerpts while fully informed of the context, and GOOD BLOODY GRIEF. KILL IT WITH FIRE. DIE IN A HOLE.
Before I degenerate into incoherent babble and frustrated tears, I should say that I have absolutely no problem at all with BDSM and its ilk. I don't see anything wrong with it as long as all parties are safe, sane, and consensual (the most basic mandate of the Lifestyle) and as long as everything is properly carried out and everyone's on the same page and having fun? Yippee, good for you! Have a good time! I'm not the least bit interested in any of it myself, but hey! Whatever floats your boat.
That being said, E.L. James clearly has never been in an S&M relationship in her life. She didn't even bother to do the proper research. I have done more research on the subject!! There is literally no excuse. WE HAVE THE INTERNET.
Furthermore, this drivel is based off of FREAKING TWILIGHT. So of course the relationship aspect of it will be bloody unhealthy! The male lead comes off as a freaking serial killer/rapist that needs to be arrested! SOMEONE GET THE CAST OF CRIMINAL MINDS TO TAKE CARE OF THIS BASTARD, GODDAMN.
And the worst part is? Much like Twilight, people are swallowing this crap whole. My next-door neighbor - and a very close family friend - constantly talks about how amazing these books are, how dreamy Christian Grey is, how hot the sex is... and I just can't. This lady is a grown adult woman, a wife, a mother of three, and a wonderful person. But her literary choices... I weep. (And her daughters are into Twilight. Of freaking course.)
My dad once nabbed her copy of Fifty Shades and, drunk as a skunk, read choice selections from the book in a dramatic manner. It was hilarious, according to those present. And some of the listeners couldn't believe that what he read was actually what was written.
(the above video, by the way, is the Nostalgia Critic, Uncle Yo, Brentalfloss, and Team Four Star reading actual parts of the book. I shit you not.)
And I can hear it now: how can I criticize a book I haven't read? How dare I slam something I have no plan on reading?
Screw you, that's how. The only way I'll read this steaming pile of crap of a novel is if I become the literary reviewer of That Guy With The Glasses, and even then I'll only do it drunk. (I do not drink. At all.)
(God bless you, Doug Walker. God bless.)